That’s Right Nate

Thoughts from a right thinker.

Nate Predicts the Super Bowl

with 8 comments

President Bush would have been an excellent football player

This year’s Super Bowl features two really disappointing teams. Last year we had a team with an American name like the Patriots and an imposing name like the Giants. This year we have one team whose mascot needs protect from a massive labor union and another team whose mascot needs protection from PETA. I have a very scientific method for predicting Super Bowl games and deciding who to root for. This involves two charts. One of the charts uses the team’s city and the other one uses the team’s mascot to determine the better team.

Cities

1. Houston – You don’t get much more of a red city than Houston
2. Dallas – Republican city with a team that believes in capitalism
3. Jacksonville -The best part of Florida
4. Tennessee – Didn’t even vote for Gore in 2000
5. Miami – Cuban community is solidly Republican
6. Arizona – Home of John McCain
7. Carolina – I’m still mad at them for Libby Dole or it’d be higher
8. Chicago – Democrat city, but Daley, Duncan, and I make up for it
9. Buffalo – The good part of New York
10. Cincinnati – In honor of the fine Taft family
11. Cleveland – Not a big fan of the city, but better than what’s after it
12. San Diego – Large military bases give city an edge
13. Atlanta – Another solidly red state, but a blue city
14. St. Louis – Supported McCain and Bush
15. Tampa Bay – Most liberal part of Florida
16. Washington – For every Obama living here there’s a David Vitter
17. Philadelphia – Big points for birthplace of Declaration of Independence – Take that Britain!
18. Green Bay – They love their guns
19. Minnesota – Good Lutheran folk would be higher if they had come out for Coleman
20. Pittsburgh – Union city, blech.
21. Denver – Liberal bastion in red state
22. Baltimore – Another liberal city in a good state
23. Kansas City – Run by liberal machine for many years
24. Oakland – At least it isn’t San Francisco
25. Indianapolis – Only blue part of red state
26. Seattle – Coffee sipping liberals
27. New York – This is for both the Giants and Jets
28. Detroit – Union city for people without jobs
29. New Orleans – Ungrateful city ignored all that W. did for them.
30. San Francisco – Next time you name a movie milk, you might want to mention that it has nothing to do with dairy products.
31. New England – Massachusetts liberals

Mascots
1. Patriots – Today, we are all patriots
2. Texans – They built this country or at least their 2% of it.
3. Bills – Named after a man who helped wipe out a whole species. Make no mistake about it, if they could have the buffalo would have wiped us out.
4. Cowboys – They won the West for us
5. Chargers – Original owners were a credit card company–go capitalism!
6. Eagles – A proud patriotic bird
7. Red Skins – You have to give them big points for not giving into PC pressure
8. 49ers – The 49ers bought lots of supplies after huge markup–another great capitalism symbol of trickle down economics
9. Vikings – A proud warrior race
10. Chiefs – Not as good as Red Skins, but still savage
11. Titans – They were the original gods. If they had beat Zeus back in the first Super Bowl they’d be ranked higher
12. Giants – Almost as impressive as Titans
13. Browns – Wow! And I thought the Red Skins had guts for being politically incorrect
14. Jets – The Jets showed the Sharks a things or two about illegal immigration back in the day
15. Bears – A ferocious predator
16. Lions – King of the jungle
17. Bengals – A fierce cat
18. Jaguars – Another fierce cat
19. Panthers – OK, enough with the fierce cats
20. Falcons – A predatory bird
21. Rams – A goat, but a tough goat
22. Raiders – A politically correct way of saying pirate
23. Buccaneers – Same as Raiders
24. Colts – Change the logo to a colt .45 and they soar up the rankings
25. Broncos – Cowboys road Broncos so they’re kind of cool
26. Ravens – A bird, wow
27. Seahawks – An even wimpier bird
28. Steelers – Union agitators
29. Packers – Even worse union agitators
30. Cardinals – Bird needing PETA protection
31. Dolphins – The animal that jacks up the price of tuna melts
32. Saints – Way too papist

Now, to get a point spread we simply add the team’s scores from the two charts. The Arizona Cardinals 6 (City) + 30 (Mascot) = 36. The Pittsburgh Steelers 20 (City) + 28 (Mascot) = 48. This leads us to our final winner Cardinals by 12. Let’s call the final score Arizona 26, Pittsburgh 14.

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Written by thatsrightnate

February 1, 2009 at 1:13 pm

8 Responses

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  1. Guess this means a bear, even a baby bear, could demolish a pair of sweat sox.

    steve

    February 1, 2009 at 3:17 pm

  2. Sorry, baby animals just take the predator and make it cute and helpless. Baby bears wear tu tus and balance beach balls on their nose.

    thatsrightnate

    February 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm

  3. Sweat Sox lay on the floor with no discernible talent except the ability to be turned into a puppet.

    steve

    February 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm

  4. You’re on the wrong sport as usual, but sweat socks are the most manly of footwear.

    thatsrightnate

    February 1, 2009 at 5:18 pm

  5. I had a puppy once. She used my brother’s sweat sox as her dollies.

    steve

    February 1, 2009 at 5:21 pm

  6. Better luck with the Stanley Cup bro!

    steve

    February 1, 2009 at 9:15 pm

  7. Well, you were close. The Cardinals scored 23, which is very close to 26. The only thing being that Pittsburgh scored 27. So I guess it’s “that’s not quite right, Nate”, for today.

    zenyenta

    February 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm

  8. It was that stupid 100 yard interception return that never should have happened. That was a 14 point swing.

    thatsrightnate

    February 1, 2009 at 9:56 pm


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