That’s Right Nate

Thoughts from a right thinker.

My Graduation Address to Sawyer Community College

with 4 comments

gradOne of the really great things about being a successful business owner is that it brings me opportunities. This past Friday evening I was lucky enough to be invited to Sawyer Community College to receive an honorary associate’s degree in business management. Ordinarily, the honorary degree recipients make a sizable donation to the school, but instead I decided to gift them with a graduation address. I thought I’d share with you my comments to the graduating class of 2009.

President Ebsen, Dean Weaver, Dean Blake, students, faculty, and parents. I stand before you a member of the class of 2009. In the dozen years since Sawyer Community College first began awarding degrees their list of distinguished alumni stands as a testament to the learning that exists in these hallowed halls. Even more important are the less famous alumni for whom a Sawyer Community College education has been their ticket out of their parent’s basement.

Graduation speakers remind me of PBS. When its time for PBS to do a pledge drive, all the liberal talking heads go away and the A-listers like Dr. Wayne Dyer, Yani, and Peter, Paul, and Mommy Too come out. When its time for the colleges to start asking their students for alumni contributions they call on people like me to speak instead of their liberal professors.

As I look at the class of 2009, I see a group of young people filled with hope and it is these young people I wish to address now. You undoubtedly feel that you know a thing or two about life, but you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t have voted Democrat in the last election. If you did, your generation would have produced listenable pop music. As an older and hopefully wiser person, I’d like to give you the benefit of my experience. Eat red meat. If it was good enough for America’s greatest generation, its good enough for you. If I could give one piece of advice its enjoy red meat.

Enjoy having your parents pay for things. You’ve probably got 5 more years tops, But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back and remember how nice it was not to have to worry about the price of pizza or beer. Of course, if you’ve got some weight to lose skip the pizza. Nobody likes fat chicks.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that you’ll be making more money soon and you’ll be able to pay off all those credit cards.

The real troubles in your life are only going to be made worse by big government.

Do one thing every day that makes you feel important and don’t worry about your short temper or the little people who work for you.

Don’t sing. Very few of you can carry a tune

Don’t be that asshole that pulls into the exact change lane on the toll way and then digs around in your car’s seat cushions to see if you have exact change. Know before hand. Counting to 40 cents isn’t that hard.

Don’t give homeless people money. They just spend it on booze.

Don’t waste your time being jealous of the people ahead of you. Instead crush the people who are behind you. It’ll cheer you up.

Don’t pay attention to idle flattery, but if somebody tells you to lose weight, it couldn’t hurt to take off a few pounds. Nobody likes fat chicks.

If you have a shirt you like that has a stain on it, keep it. You can always pretend that you just stained it and didn’t have a chance to change.

Play golf.

Don’t worry if you don’t like your job. Nobody likes their job. The most important thing is a good paycheck. A new sports car will cheer you up.

Stay on good terms with your extended family. As medicine advances, they’ll still be your best source for organ transplants.

Girls, maybe you’ll meet the love of your life and marry. If you don’t try looking for a successful older man who owns his own business and can provide you with a comfortable life.

Enjoy your body. Flaunt it, but if you need to lose a little weight try to cover it up. Don’t forget loose fitting fabrics aren’t really fooling anybody, but they’re better than tight clothing if you don’t have the body for them.

Guys, don’t dance. It makes you look effeminate. Mapquest and GPS are for cowards. Do not read news magazines. Fox News should cover all you need to know.

Get to know your parents and befriend them. When your siblings move out of state or marry a Catholic, it’ll just mean more inheritance for you.

Understand that friends come and go, but employees will stick with you as long as you can pay them. Money trumps friendship.

Don’t bother traveling. Everything you need is in your own hometown. New ideas are overrated while old ideas are comfortable like your favorite pair of jeans. If you take too many risks, you are sure to get hurt.

Fight the Capital Gains Tax and Inheritance Tax.

Don’t expect the government to help you.

Don’t waste too much time on your hair. Guys it looks best cropped short. Girls keep your hair long and full until you’re about 50 and you start looking creepy.

Follow the advice of people like me who have your best interests at heart. Politicians will say anything to get elected. I call it like I see it.

Above all, trust me on the red meat.

*Much of the inspiration for this speech comes from Mary Schmich’s essay “Always Wear Sunscreen” from 1997


4 Responses

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  1. Well, that was just beautiful. I bet everyone misted up. Was there any awkwardness about the lack of a generous donation?


    June 7, 2009 at 8:08 am

  2. You know it didn’t come up. I think everybody was just kind of stunned. I know they weren’t expecting the big speech.


    June 7, 2009 at 8:31 am

  3. Crikeys Nate, where were you when I graduated college?(Oh yeah, Idin’t attend the ceremony. Never mind).

    equa yona

    June 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm

  4. […] My Graduation Address to Sawyer Community College ( […]

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