That’s Right Nate

Thoughts from a right thinker.

Conservative Bible: An Idea That’s Long Overdue

with 10 comments

healthcareWhen I was in church a couple Sundays ago, I was aghast at the left wing filth that the minister was spouting off.   I called him on it after services and he looked at me and just kind of shrugged his shoulders saying, “Well, it’s the Bible Nate, not much I can do about the word of God.”  Fortunately, the good people at Conservapedia are under no such compunction.   They have embarked on The Conservative Bible Project, which is designed to give us a more conservative Bible.

If you’re not familiar with Conservapedia, it is a heroic bunch of conservatives who recognized that many facts, by their nature have a liberal bias.   To counteract this bias they formed a conservative alternative to Wikipedia.   Now, they’re taking on the Bible and frankly it’s about time.  For example, their web page lists Luke 23:34 as a liberal corruption–Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Frankly, the Jesus in the current Bible version is a wimp.   I mean sure he’s got all sorts of cool superpowers like walking on water and turning water into wine, but mostly he just goes around curing people.  If this was a comic book, Jesus would hardly be Justice League material.  He’d probably find himself in the Doom Patrol or Guardians of the Galaxy with a bunch of other also rans.   The Conservative Jesus, has a lot more potential.  Check out his run in with the money changers at the temple:

12And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

13And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

Now, see how conservative Jesus deals with the same problem:

12And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that protested in the temple and overthrew the tables of the trade unionists, and the seats of them that sold doves,

13And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of socialists.

The difference is certainly subtle, but now we have a Jesus that sticks up for capitalism, not just a savior, but a kick butt take no nonsense conservative.   Remember Matthew 5: 38 -44 where Jesus preaches to turn the other check–Not anymore.

5:38

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ F23

5:39

But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.

5:40

If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.

5:41

And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.

5:42

Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.

5:43

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor F24 and hate your enemy.’

5:44

But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,

Now, here is the Conservative Bible version.  The differences are subtly, but even these changes seem to make the Bible stories come alive for me:

5:38

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ F23

5:39

But I tell you if he pulls a knife, you pull a gun.  If he shall send one of yours to the hospital, then shall ye send one of his to the morgue.

5:40

If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, tie him up in litigation for so long that it is cheaper to just by his own cloak.

5:41

And whoever compels you to go one mile, make sure that he pays you.

5:42

Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. Instead loan to him with reasonable usury.  Then bundle his debt with the debt of others so that a derivative shall be made.

5:43

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor F24 and hate your enemy.’

5:44

That seems like pretty good advice to me.

Wow!  That’s a Jesus that I can respect and one that nobody is going to be taking advantage of either.  Just look how Jesus’ resurrection is handled in John 20: 26-29:

26And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

27Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

28And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.

29Jesus saith unto him, I am back Thomas and thou hast seen me, know that this time it is personal.   I am getting the disciples back together.  It is time we taught Pilate a lesson

I can’t wait for the release of this version of the Bible.   I hope that it isn’t only Jesus who is changed, but other Biblical figures as well.   Just the thought of Joshua proclaiming loudly for all to hear, “Mister Jericho, tear down this wall” gives me shivers.   The only way we can eliminate liberal bias from such important things as the word of God is to rewrite it.  I’m glad to have the good folks at Conservapedia to do it for me.

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Written by thatsrightnate

October 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm

10 Responses

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  1. As you know, I’m an Old Testamentalist. I always thought that the New Testament is way too permissive and forgiving. A real conservative wants justice! The New Testament is really just an advertising campaign to attract new members (By accepting Jesus, you can be forgiven of ANY CRIME!). I appreciate the idea of a Conservative Bible, but I prefer to just follow the original books of the Bible (before Hippies were ruining things with their “Peace and Love”). No sandal wearing tree hugger can tell me to turn my cheek so I can get slapped again. I’ll take my justice washed in the blood of the lamb.

    wrecksracer

    October 5, 2009 at 8:31 pm

  2. […] that liberals love so much in order that they might recreate a more supply side friendly Jesus.   The Conservative Bible Project is not yet completed, but when it is, I think we will have a Jesus that we could easily see being […]

  3. Wow. This is really sad. I am sorry for you. Jesus time on earth was all about giving us an example of how to love. How to bring people to the Father through grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Jesus Christ was the strongest man to ever live. By “turning the other cheek” He was showing his immense self control and patience, which are qualities we should all strive to possess. How many men do you know that would have the strength to restrain themselves when being blatantly attacked and insulted?? I’m guessing not many. Being a “real man” is not about always seeking revenge and having the last word. I would recommend the book by John Eldredge, “Wild at Heart”. It focuses on what it’s really about to be a strong man after God’s heart. Our whole purpose on this earth is to spread the Gospel, and what better way to do that than by demonstrating Jesus endless love? You won’t convince many people that Christianity is something they should pursue, with an attitude like the one portrayed in the above paragraphs. We are all looking for justice in this world, but it is not our place to give it. Those who deserve punishment will get whats coming to them. Be it in this life or the next. Let God handle that. Jesus lived the life he did for a reason. The Bible was written the way it was for a reason. Let it be.

    Andrea

    December 12, 2009 at 4:44 pm

  4. Nate, I know you don’t read. Fortunately, the book Andrea mentions, “Wild at Heart” was made into a really great movie. Denise Richards and Neve Campbell are in it and there’s this awesome scene of rapture with the two of them and some hot guy. Kevin Bacon? John Cusack? I’m not sure. But, you should check it out.

    cecily

    December 12, 2009 at 5:10 pm

  5. I don’t deny that Jesus was the strongest man to ever live. However, the only way to really show this is to rewrite the Bible to show just how strong he was.

    thatsrightnate

    December 13, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  6. Ha ha, yes, Cecily, I’ve seen that movie a long time ago, and you’re right to call that erotic moment a “scene of rapture”. You know, Basic Instinct and Last Tango in Paris have a few rapture scenes as well.

    Lola

    December 15, 2009 at 4:45 pm

  7. Don’t forget that tribute to Brazilian sensuality–Lambada: The Forbidden Dance

    thatsrightnate

    December 15, 2009 at 9:28 pm

  8. Or that other Mel Gibson film that no one can say the name of.

    cecily

    December 15, 2009 at 9:35 pm

  9. Cecily, I believe you are referring to the movie, “Wild Things”, not Wild at Heart. This book was never made a movie. I’m not sure if you’re trying to mock me here, or if you could really be that ignorant. Seriously… this book is a good one. You all should read it.

    Andrea

    December 19, 2009 at 9:34 pm

  10. Wait, I thought Wild Things was the movie with Melanie Griffith?

    thatsrightnate

    December 19, 2009 at 11:09 pm


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